the beautiful wood elf named jean kirschstein
by Tiob Schmebulock
Summary: muzzah kutchel tells her son levi the timeless tale of a wood elf and a prince.
1. Chapter 1

**a/n: hi so this is my first snk fic i hope u enjoy pls review**

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A very small Levi walked into his mother's bedroom. "Moooom! Mooooom! Where are you?"

"I'm hither," Kutchel called from her seat nearby, but also strangely hidden from everyone's sight. Levi apporached her curiously.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"I'm reading," Kutchel answered, as though it weren't the most obvious thing in the world. But it was okay because levi was but a child and he knew not better.

"Oh!" Levi cried in surprise. "Can I see"

"No," Kutchel very bluntly replied.

"Why? Why why why?"

"Because it's….. Totally not rated r…. You just need to grow up more."

Levi looked at his hands, very confused all of a sudden. "But… I'm done growing."

Kutchel sighed, closing the book but keeping her fingers where the pages she was at so that she wouldn't lose her place. "You reaaaaaally wanna know why"

"Really!"

"This book talks about… kissing," Kutchel ominously replied. Levi softly gasped. "KISSING?" he was very immediately grossed the _fuck_ out.

Kutchel nodded solemnly. "Yeah. Still want to see?"

" _Fuck yeah!_ "

Kutchel sighed. "Ai _ya_." She tsked several times, but did not mind, because the book wasn't _really_ rated R….. Not the parts _she_ was reading to him, anyway. "Welll, once upon a time…"

Levi sat on the floor as Kutchel finally acquired another chair for him to sit in. Meanwhile, a certain ponytailed brunette with glasses enters via phasing in through the wall, blowing very softly into their own little screech tube.


	2. Chapter 2

One day, a princess named Princess Mina Tanuki was over there. However, Princess Mina Tanuki doesn't like having her fufll name revealed to everyone all at once, so now she's too shy to come out, so yeah. She had a forest elf named Jean Kirschstein as a pet." Kutchel began.

The one certain brunette with a ponytail etered from out of the shadows, still holding their recorder. "Haiiii guyyyssssss," she joyfully sang.

Kutche stared blankly at them. "You're not the wood elf what are you doing here."

"I don't care~~" Hange sang in reply.

"Ah. I see," Kutchel slowly replied. She then pretendinded to take a long drag of an imaginary cigarette (cigs are bad for u! She'd never smoke around her child levi!) "get out."

Hange crossed her arms. "No," she pouted stubbornly. "I like it here. It's warm. And there are books." She lifted her white stick with holes to her lips and blew into it, and notes vaguely remembling the song "my heart will go on" began to play, but since it was only vaguely recognizable, Levi categorized it under "my heart will go outside" as a name.

Kutchel looked at the small nuisance in her house curiously. "Are you… playing _music_?"

Hange nodded. "I'm playing 'my heart will go outside o the recorder."

Levi suddenly decied that now was his time to pipe up. "Muzzah, I like this music. Maek her stay so I can listen."

His mother curned to the strange nuisance and said, "stay in the back and we'll feed you."

Hange thought it over for a minute, then vigorously shook her head.

"Stay in the back and we'll let you do your sciencey stuff later"

"Hange legitimately thought this offer over then ultimately shook her head. "Nah. I like to be…" she took a few steps forward and dramatically posed with her recorder. "IN THE SPOTLIGHT!"

"Out," Kutchel flatly said. " _Now_."

"K bye," Hangereplied and jumped back into the shadows.

LEvi assumed she phased out of the walls the same way she had phased in, but the thought of this random stranger who still played the most beautifully hideous music made him want to cry. "Goodbye~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~" he tearfully cried to where he had last seen her.

A very _tall_ creature with a rainbow flower crown dressed in all green otherwise walked into the room with a cup of McDonald's Cafe tea. "Sorry I'm late," he said, with his two-toned hair, "I needed my Starbucks™"

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 **a/n: ok so i didnt get any feedback last time but thats ok i gess. pls reviwe if u can tho thx**


	3. Chapter 3

**a/n hashtag not sponspored bu has htag culd be spon**

"Ah," Kutchel began, but it wasn't as sarcastic as it seems, i promise. "Everyone's favorite rainbow elf man whom we technically do not call gay but it's hinted at with hints so strong they may as well be bricks in the face. I'm so glad you've arrived."

The rainbow elf man whome we technically do not call gay but it's hinted at with hints so strong they may as well be bricks in the afce dramatically posed. "I am wood elf named Jean Kristen."

Kutchel the great Mother settled into her chair again and Jean continued to dramatically pose ase she continued reading the story.

"Earlier, Mina Ttanuki Princess went to college and told wood elf named Jean to be good."

"Goodbye!" Jean called to his princess, who was already so far out itno the distance that he really couldn't have seen her if she tried, even with his great elf-eyes. He then sighed and slumped against the castle wall. "Oh!" he lamented. "What will I do now because I am so extra that I'm extra about being extra? I have nothing to do now that mina taunki princess is gone!" He caressed the wall gently, tenderly, lovingly. "Oh!" he laminated. "Im very….." he struggled to find the right word. " _Not happy!_ " he finally decided on. (a/n: he had no idea how to say sayd.)

"Four years, seven months, 21 days, sixteen hours, thirty nine minutes, and two seconds later…" Kutchel narrated.

"Five more seconds until the mina tanuki princess arrives! Three seconds, two, one…!" Jean was practically bouncing off the walls with excitement to meet princess tanuki again, when suddenly, a tall, dark, and handsomely freckled stranger walked throgh the door as well.

He was even taller, darker, and handsomer than Jean himself, and Jean was pretty tall and handsome, though not very dark.

"Hi guys!" the tall, dark, and handsomely freckled strange greeted in his soft, freckled voice. Jean was very enraptured by his freckles. They looked like the stars themselves, and together on his freckled face, the freckles seemed to comprise of the whole universe. "I'm supposed to be so robotic that my last name is Bodt, but y'know fairy godmtohers and stuff and wishes to become real live boys hapened. Oh yeah and mina tanuki princess is home but since she's shy you'll jus t have to take my word for it and trust that i didn't brutally murder her wil in college."

Before anyone could continue, something small, wuite , and screechy begins to play in the distance. However, no one can truly be seen.

"Who's blowing into the Screech Tube(™)?" Kutchel demanded, nearly shutting the book with irritation.

"IT'S ME!" hange cried, jumping right up front and center. Or between levi and kutchel. Whichever u want to believe. "IT'S ALSAY ME. _MEEEEE._ "

Levi jumped up and pointed at the annoyance. "IT'S THE PERSON WHO ALWAYS PLAYS 'MY HEART WILL GO OUTSIDE' BUT REALLY BADLY ON RECORDERS! YOU HAVE RETURNED!" and he was so happy and strangely glad to see her again that his face literally ooked like those emoticons that go like :D.

Kutchel, however, softly gasped. "YOU AGAIN!" she cried. "I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN!"

"It's me again!" Hange joyfully confirmed.

"You again!" kutchel repeated, leaning a little farther back into her chair.

"Me again!"

"You again!"

"It's you!"

"It's me!" Hango the manog contirmed.

"It's you!" Kutchel cried, this time leaning so far out of her chair that she fell out. Hange immediately ran up to it and put her leg up on the seat and declared, "It's meeeeeeee!" with great pridide.

"Get the fuck out of mi boooook!" Kutchel snapped as she pushed thee annyance out of the chair so that she could once again sit in it.

"K bye."

And so hHanji left.

Levi, however, was inconsolable. He pulled out his miniature white cravat and used it as one of those white hankies thta ladies from old movie s use to wave goodbye to their lovers with and began waving it at hange. Tears were streaming down his face. "GOOD NIGHT! GOOD NIGHT1" he cried. " PARTING BRINGS ME SUCH SWEET SORROW! BUT I SHALL BEART WITH IT UNTIL IT BE 'MORROW!"

Kutchel shook her head with disproval. Tht pairing would never work out, not in her mind anyway. It would take a miracle and an amazing artist that liked milk to convince people that that pariing would be of any value. "Anyword-"

"Wait, shouldn't it be anyway?" levi asked. (a/n: anyway and anyword look similar. However, "anyway" clearly has 'way' in it, whereas 'anyword' is not even a word not to mention the fact that it was 'word' as its word compound. However kKutchel was also raised in the underground, so it can be supposed that she is not the best at reading.)

"Shhhhh," Kutchel said, shushing her small child.

"Bu-" Levi began.


End file.
